3 iMessage swaps to upgrade your self-esteem
I can’t live in reality. So, just like you, I live in my perception of reality. Words bounce around my brain. I use those words to make sense of what’s happening around me. Unhelpful brain-words hold me back. My does not have a find and replace function. Changing thought patterns is hard. Changing speaking patterns is nearly as tough. So, I started changing how I text. Below you will find three replacements for the unhelpful words I used to say.
Sometimes a friend will send me some PowerPoint slides that need a facelift or a delicate email that needs to be quickly understood. I’m doing them favor, I want to do them a favor. But sometimes I feel bad for how long it take me to respond. In the past I’d apologize for the delayed help; “Sorry, It took me so long to get back to you.”
I said sorry but, I’m apologizing for not making their problems my priority. I did nothing wrong. It’s degrading to me, and now my friend has to comfort me because I feel bad that my assistance wasn’t prompt. Instead of making myself feel bad every time my help isn’t instant or convenient. I now text something that resembles this; “Thanks for your patience. Your pitch deck looks good. I just cleaned up the typography and added some graphics.” I still acknowledged and validated the experience of the person receiving the message. Without harming myself.
It was easy to make friends when I was trapped in Mrs. Birds' 3rd grade classroom with a bunch of people in the same phase of life as me. But 21 years later I’m an adult and making and maintaining friendship now requires effort and planning.
As with much of life, friending is a numbers game. So I often would use some form of baked good as a pretext for social interaction and relationship building. When texting potential friends I would write something like this; “Hey, some people are getting together at my place for chocolate chip cookies. If you want to stop by.”
If somebody rejects the invitation. It’s not personal. They just don’t like cookies, or they aren’t hungry. This would be great if I was just trying to get rid of baked goods and have some pleasant chitchat. Unfortunately, I also needed personal relationships. And personal relationships require personal communication. Now that I realize that I want: to get rid of baked goods, have a pleasant conversation, and build personal relationships. My texts look like this: “ Hey, some people are getting together at my place for chocolate chip cookies. I like hanging out with you. I want you to come.” It’s rough because telling people how you feel is hard. But, it’s also part of having affirming relationships.
This is perhaps the most important switch on this list. Imagine I received a text that looked like this. “Hey, Wyatt thanks for inviting me over for cookies last night. They were tasty and I had fun.” In the past I would have responded like this “Not a problem, thank you!” Where I live, when someone is grateful and complimentary. We respond with a “No, thank you” It’s customary but it doesn’t feel good. It’s like I put a complimentary text message on a balance scale with an organized evening of cookies and friendship and then decided that a grateful text was the larger effort. So with the automatic text of a “no..thank you!” I degraded my efforts and robbed them of the oxytocin hit they should get from expressing gratitude. It feels odd and weird. But the next time someone is grateful for an effort of yours. Say something like what I say now, “You are welcome! I’m happy you had a good time.”
These swaps may seem small. Often self help advice is big and abstract. So maybe give this something small a shot.