How to get the right response, when you need to say something personal
It’s not what you say, but how you say it— a true but unhelpful statement. How something is said really does influence the outcome. In this article, I share 2 experiences. These examples demonstrate how you can shape a message to get the response you want.
1. What do you do for a living, Wyatt?
If someone would have asked me what I did for a living 6 years ago, I could answer a couple of ways. I could simply say “I’m a photographer” or I could say “People pay me to take pictures.”
I’m a photographer
It was the quickest way to communicate my job. But, I always felt misunderstood after I told someone “I’m a photographer.” I live in Utah where plenty of skilled and unskilled people take on the title of photographer. After I said I was a photographer, people would either fain interest or change the subject fearing the rules of polite conversation would be used to trap them into giving a less than talented photographer less-than sincere praise. After using this option I would feel misunderstood, or ashamed of whatever excuse I used to justify whipping out my Instagram account.
People pay me to take pictures
Eventually, I figured out how to avoid those problems. Now, when someone asked me what I did, I would respond “People pay me to take photos.” It is two more syllables, but it communicates: I’m good enough to get paid for what I do. This added information improved interactions. Some people recognized the atypical phrasing and they wanted to talk about that. Others were more comfortable asking more about my work. Perhaps most importantly I wasn’t left feeling misunderstood if they quickly changed the subject.
• • •
I changed a few words and my life got better. More thoughtful messaging can benefit more formal communications like presentations, articles, and informational videos. There a lot of ways to structure messages: chronologically, spacially, problem/solution, cause/effect, and so on. Most messages don’t fit perfectly into one structure.
Sometimes the ideal structure is obvious. If you are unsure of what information to share and unsure about the reaction you would like; it can be difficult to find the right way to say something. Recently I had a bit of trouble finding the right way to say something. Here are a few examples of ways, I could have said something and the story of how I found the right thing to say.
2. A new last name
In January 2021 I started the paperwork to replace my last name. On April 14th a judge granted my request. And, on May 11, 2021, I made a social media post explaining why I changed my last name. Many factors went into me making this uncommon decision. I had practical reasons, emotional motivations, and personal ideals. It was complicated, and I was terrified of being misunderstood. Here are some of the ways I thought about going about it–
Make it about the past
In this approach, I would talk about the history of my family name to avoid talking about myself.
When the Traubers left Germany for America they wanted to seem more English so they changed the spelling to Traughber. While the half effort demonstrates an awareness of the matter of that name. They were unwilling to give it up completely. Maybe it was an improvement back then. But today it just makes it harder to spell and trickier to pronounce. It doesn’t work. It’s distracting. So I’m changing my last name.
This approach communicates the problems with my last name, it shows that names are important. It also demonstrates that tradition won’t keep me from fixing something that doesn’t work. It’s interesting, but I’m essentially blaming the past so I don’t have to talk about the present. It also completely ignores the personal motivations for replacing my last name.
Make it vague
To get personal I had to get vulnerable. Posting about personal matters is scary. Sometimes it’s feels better to give as little information as possible. Like in this example,
I took pride in having a unique last name. Where I grew up people knew how to say it. Where I live now people are scared to say it. I’ve spent ten years explaining the pronunciation. I’m tired of that conversation. I’m tired of not wanting to say my last name.
So, I selected a new one and met with a judge. Because tradition and paperwork aren’t good reasons to avoid action.
I miss my old last name. Hanging it up has been difficult. But, I’m ready to step into something lighter.
I spent a fair amount of time writing this option. It’s short, it tells a story, and I get a bit vulnerable. I wanted to feel safe from critical comments. That’s why I mentioned the judge. This indicates that I was serious and the decision was final. But, when there is more to the story, people can smell it and they start speculating.
Make it personal
To keep people from coming up with their own conclusions, I need to provide more information. In this approach, I give up all the personal details. I lay it all on the table and call it vulnerability.
My sister-in-law Meg was married to someone else when she gave birth to her first son. My brother Mike officially adopted my nephew in the summer of 2018. Meg didn’t know I existed when she named her son Wyatt. I used to say, “the only advantage to having such a weird last name was I was the only Wyatt Traughber in the world.” And, with a bang from a judge’s gavel, I suddenly wasn’t even the only Wyatt Traughber in my own family.
I didn’t love that I suddenly found myself sharing my name. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was random chance not a decision. In 2019 my oldest brother Jake named his first child after our father. I told his wife Jen that I was not comfortable with that, because I did not have fond memories of our father. Jake was 8 years older so he escaped much of the fallout of our father’s opiate fueled instability. Jake chose to romanticize my father’s memory. His mind was made up. Two years later Jake explained that he chose that name to, “hold onto a piece of dad.” Jake was preserving his version of history which invalidated mine. So I have decided to replace my last and to let go. It’s an odd thing to do. But forcing my nephew to share a name I’m not in love with is worse.(pseudonyms used for some individuals)
This approach is may be more vulnerable. But untempered—vulnerability can be wielded like a weapon. It’s petty. The items about my siblings got me to consider changing my name, but they didn’t motivate it. So while it’s interesting and true, those items are distracting. Overall this approach just feels like I’m desperate to convince people that my actions are justified. Obviously, this is just sample text summarizing a post with more nuance. Just, imagine how much thirstier it would seem if the practical motivations were incorporated.
Make it about something more
This is the approach I posted on my Facebook. I wrote it right after publishing the 50th episode of the Instead podcast. Pay attention to how writing about two things at once made it easier to for me to place the audience in my shoes.
50– The fire cycle; appreciating a fundamental disturbance, with fire ecologist Larissa Yocom
Today, I’m celebrating my 29th birthday and the 50th episode of the Instead podcast. Instead is a project I thought of and started when the pandemic hit in March 2020. I’m so proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish inside less than ideal circumstances, but that’s what I’m good at because I grew up in less than ideal circumstances.
When I was around 5 years old, my father started using prescription pain pills. His drug use turned into drug abuse, and I have no memories of wanting to spend time with my father. I avoided interacting with him as much as possible. My father made me anxious. I didn’t feel safe. I thought that was normal.
Along with a distorted version of reality, my father gave me a cumbersome last name. I used to take pride in having a unique last name. However, over the past couple of years, as I’ve started to understand the extent of his damage. Every time I explain the spelling or pronunciation of that last name I’m reminded of him. So I’ve selected a new last name—Archer.
This isn’t the first time I’ve left my last name behind. I originally named my photography business “Traughber Photography.” After years of trying to make it work, I rebranded as Wyatt+Photo. The change made it easier to market my services and connect with people.
I’m no longer in the photography game, and in my career I need to market myself. I have to make a name for myself. That’s hard to do when people can’t spell or pronounce your name.
It’s been a month since I met with a Judge to legally change my name. It’s been painful and destabilizing. I don’t want to replace my name, but I have to. Change sucks but letting pride and tradition hold you back is worse.
This episode is the first one where introduce myself as Wyatt Archer. Which feels weird. But the episode is good, and the researcher I interview is delightful. So, give it a listen and develop an appreciation for letting some things burn.
Using the episode to frame the name change provided a reason for the timing of this post on Facebook. It also gave me the ability to talk about how I felt about things at specific moments in time. Most importantly, it forced the reader to remember that there is more to me than a traumatic childhood. I’m not a name. I’m a person who does stuff.
I don’t love being vulnerable. Ultimately, I wanted to feel understood. So, I had to say stuff I didn’t want to say.
• • •
It took me years to find a good way to tell people I was a photographer. It took me a month to be public about replacing my last name. In both instances, I framed the message with something more. I framed taking pictures by mentioning the people who paid me. I framed my name change with a podcast episode. I framed additional information about my name change with this article about getting a desired response.
So the next you have something tricky to communicate. Think about all the ways you could say it, think about how you want people to respond, and look for a framing mechanism that reminds them you are human.
(Analyze one more approach by reading previous article )
